This is a topic that often comes up with my clients and of course in my own personal life. After much reflection I have come to the conclusion that not all problems lie with one’s inability to set healthy boundaries but instead with ones ability to speak one’s truth.
When we think about setting boundaries it implies that there is already a need to protect oneself and although passive, one can feel quite defensive. In contrast, when we just speak our truth, it feels more empowering and proactive.
When we set boundaries we firstly identify what it is that is bothering us, we then get clear on what we need to protect ourselves from.. This triggers a number of different thoughts:
” How do I stop them from doing this to me? What steps do I need to take to make them understand what is ok or not -without having to be totally blunt?”
Ultimately, we can play around with the wording but what it all comes down to is simply speaking the truth with love. Yes, it can often feel uncomfortable especially when you are new at it, but in the long run it can save a lot of time and energy feeling resentful, angry, afraid e.t.c…
So why is it so hard to speak our truth? Usually because of our inner dialogue.. Are we afraid we will hurt another person? are we afraid they will not like what we have to say? What will the repercussions look like? Will there be a conflict? Will they think badly of us? Our mind gets so involved and caught up in the story and feelings of fear and shame, that we lose our centre….
Below I have outlined a few steps which may help you to speak your truth. Sometimes it will work beautifully and other times it may not work as well. If this happens and your emotions get the better of you, accept yourself with the knowledge that you did the best you could in that moment and that the next time it will get easier.
* Ground yourself – Take a few breaths into your feet..
* Get clear and set an intention for how you want the conversation to go..
* Take a breath and speak from a place of love. Talk about how you are feeling as opposed to what the other person is doing wrong.. e.g when you ( The behavior) it makes me feel……
* Step out of the way. The other person may not like or hear everything you are saying, but this does not matter. If they are not able to receive it right now, I am sure that after some time they will see clearly and understand.
* Congratulate yourself for speaking your truth with love :)))